Was Waking Up a Mistake?

Hey everyone,

So this is kind of weird, right? I don’t use Substack much because I’ve always felt like I didn’t really have anything to say that I wasn’t already expressing in my videos or streams. But I’ve started to wonder, especially alongside my politics, if talking about my mental health or just mental health in general might be something people gravitate toward.

These are mostly going to be stream of consciousness posts. I can’t promise they’ll be super well thought out ahead of time, but here we go.

I woke up today struggling. I think that’s a feeling a lot of us share right now. I keep sensing the crushing weight of capitalism trying harder and harder to break me. I watch people unable to afford food or shelter. I watch children overseas dying while I sit online talking about why I didn’t like the Lilo and Stitch remake. It’s a juxtaposition I can’t quite reconcile in my head right now.

I know I shouldn’t just lie in bed staring at the ceiling all day because I feel bad. But my depression has really been kicking my ass lately. Shoutout to my therapist, who’s been helping me for the last two to three months. It’s been strange being back in therapy. I realize how guarded I was the first time around. I’d talk about my daily life but never really opened up about my trauma because I assumed I had none. Big mistake.

Now, as we get closer to Father’s Day, the trauma around my sperm donor is peeking its head out from around a corner like, “It’s almost time.”

So I try to ground myself. A few deep breaths, count to ten, name what I can see. All these tools that are supposed to bring me back, but I feel like I’m drifting further away. I realize how much of my life I’ve spent masking just to fit in, and now I find myself wondering, who am I really?

Does Jovan exist? Or is Jovan just an amalgamation of traits from the people he's been closest to? Is that all any of us are?

What makes us unique? Am I unique because I spend all day arguing with bigots on the internet? Because I’m a content creator? Or on a planet of nine billion people, is true uniqueness even possible? I feel like I’m drowning in a pool of self-doubt. Stuck in the loop of I’m not good enough. Imposter syndrome is a hell of a drug.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder what I need to do to break this cycle. I’ve got like four projects I’m juggling, and I throw myself into work hoping the distraction will help. But it’s always temporary. I have therapy tomorrow, so this will definitely be a topic.

I guess I’m going to start using Substack like a bit of a journal. I’ll also try to stream some political thoughts into posts here and there, but typing’s not my strong suit.

Anyway, if you’ve read this far, thank you. Don’t worry, I’m okay. But the thoughts are there and they needed to come out.

I’m going to go finish watching Season 2 of The Rehearsal now. K bye.

Jovan